Walk with your credit cards in the air!

"Jake, I've got some tables that you need to build on monday. So just make those tables on monday, ok?"

"Ok, I'll do those tables. I won't need any more instruction than that."

"Good, because it'll take me just as long to tell you as it would for you to figure it out yourself."

"I thought you were going to say that so I started working on the tables a month ago. They're already done and saved on the H-drive."

"Ok, so you can look for them on Monday."

Children of Men II: Children of Mitch Begins Production

Work on the unofficial sequel to the box-office smash "Children of Men" has begun in Somerville Massachusetts.

Mitch Cote-Crosskill, the screenwriter for the new film, stated "the title of the last film was somewhat misleading. I wanted to answer the question that it hinted at but never really explored."

Mitch said that he was inspired to write the script after a long drunken weekend spent with John McNulty took an unexpected turn.

"The movie isn't a period piece like the last film, it takes place here and now as John and I deal with the consequences of our actions," Mitch stated somberly.

Koko the Gorilla's Stunning Admission

Koko the Gorilla, capable of signing over 600 symbols, admitted in a press conference on Tuesday that she was very drunk in a 1998 AOL interview with Dr. Penny Patterson.

Many of the zoologists present at the 1998 chat related that "Koko was visibly impaired, she was tripping all over herself."

One onlooker even related that "Koko crashed her new Cadillac Escalade into the studio wall earlier that day."

Koko expressed concern that more people weren't aware of her extreme drunkeness. "I was saying completely outrageous things, I mean, 'birthday food smokes?' 'lips fake candy'? This stuff is complete nonsense."

A transcript of the conversation can be found at http://www.koko.org/world/talk_aol.html.

Quick-thinking Man Blames House Fire on Global Warming

When the Sheybogan Fire Department arrived at 113 Fessenden St., the house was already engulfed in flames. Subsuequent investigation of the residence revealed the home-owner, Walter Bingham, safely asleep in a kiddie pool out back. After being roused awake, the clearly inebriated Mr. Bingham fielded questions from the Fire Chief Larry Wigginton.

"After pausing for a good 20-30 seconds, Mr. Bingham revealed that he thought global warming could be blamed for his tragic loss of residence," Chief Wigginton explained. "Mr. Bingham then went on, at great lengths, explaining the nefarious connection between carbon monoxide emissions and the increase in global tempatures. At times he would even produce charts depicting well-established, historical trends. He had science behind him, what could we do?"

"It had been a really mild winter, but this really surprised me," Mr Bingham said during an interview following the fire.

However, further inspection by the local insurance agency revealed certain flaws in Mr. Bingham's seemingly watertight argument. The insurace company reported that a small microwave was found with over 3 pounds of charred hamburger meat. The time had been set for 4 days.

I'm sick of the forms, I'm sick of being misread

With the end of the business calendar year approaching, many employees often come to the realization that they have literally days of sick time which, if not used, will have to be forfeited. While this realization may plunge many earnest men into late-night dips into freezing cold ocean water or early morning gallivants to hospital rooms, in heartfelt attempts to contract colds or other serious illnesses, there is a much easier solution. When your boss comes knocking, suspicious of your recent three-day 'illness' just tell her that "You've been to a proctologist, and while you don't want to go into great detail, there is something terribly awry with your sphincter." This will immediately cause all conversation to abruptly end, and if you are strong enough to withstand these moments of awkward silence, you're in the clear.

HOOOOOOO!!!!!

Despite initial skepticism, Miramax has decided to fully pursue a live-action verson of Thundercats. Harvey Weinstein, legendary Hollywood producer, stated that Justin Timerberlake's rousing audition as Snarf, an intelligent cat-like creature, sealed the deal. It's unclear who will play Cheetara.

A little to the left

Darryl Peabody has never believed himself to be particularly photogenic. However, after exploring a digital camera that he recieved during the Kwanza season, Peabody thinks he has found the perfect angle to be photographed from. Peabody expects that his number of facebook friends will roughly double. "Yeah, I'm pretty certain that my mom will finally accept my invites. I know that I've been pretty persistant in the past, but I feel like this picture will open a few doors for me. But you can never be too sure of anything."

Freakonomics

A day after Shanghai's stock market reached a record high, it tumbled 8.8 percent on Tuesday, causing knee-jerk reactions in both the American and European financial markets. While Chinese newspapers are eager to write it off as a response to impending increases in interest rates or a reduction in lending money, a few economists of questionable merit are wondering if there isn't an alternate cause.

Late February, as we all know, marks the end of clementine season. While Americans are particularly fond of the small, orange fruit, it is well established that clementines represent 28% of chinese imports. Clementines are, of course, generally preferred over similar citrus fruits because of their thick, easy-to-peel skin. Women also find them "cute." They are, however, highly price-inelastic and the decreased supply represents a blight to the average Wang Q. Public.

Economists expect the Chinese market to return to normal levels over the coming months, however, as Chinese consumers turn to clementine substitutes. Quoting one Chinese man, "I may even purchase a mango."

Open Call for Prison Architects, Send me your Blueprints ASAP

Send me your best Pavement drawings. The top 3 will be posted on this website. Also, prepare for the next contest. That challenge will be to write the best Pavement lyrics that Pavement never wrote. Start thinking about it now! The winner gets a flannel shirt a Nirvana mixtape.