I'm sick of the forms, I'm sick of being misread

With the end of the business calendar year approaching, many employees often come to the realization that they have literally days of sick time which, if not used, will have to be forfeited. While this realization may plunge many earnest men into late-night dips into freezing cold ocean water or early morning gallivants to hospital rooms, in heartfelt attempts to contract colds or other serious illnesses, there is a much easier solution. When your boss comes knocking, suspicious of your recent three-day 'illness' just tell her that "You've been to a proctologist, and while you don't want to go into great detail, there is something terribly awry with your sphincter." This will immediately cause all conversation to abruptly end, and if you are strong enough to withstand these moments of awkward silence, you're in the clear.