Thursday, March 8, 2007

Koko the Gorilla's Stunning Admission


Koko the Gorilla, capable of signing over 600 symbols, admitted in a press conference on Tuesday that she was very drunk in a 1998 AOL interview with Dr. Penny Patterson.
Many of the zoologists present at the 1998 chat related that "Koko was visibly impaired, she was tripping all over herself."
One onlooker even related that "Koko crashed her new Cadillac Escalade into the studio wall earlier that day."
Koko expressed concern that more people weren't aware of her extreme drunkeness. "I was saying completely outrageous things, I mean, 'birthday food smokes?' 'lips fake candy'? This stuff is complete nonsense."
A transcript of the conversation can be found at http://www.koko.org/world/talk_aol.html.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Quick-thinking Man Blames House Fire on Global Warming


When the Sheybogan Fire Department arrived at 113 Fessenden St., the house was already engulfed in flames. Subsuequent investigation of the residence revealed the home-owner, Walter Bingham, safely asleep in a kiddie pool out back. After being roused awake, the clearly inebriated Mr. Bingham fielded questions from the Fire Chief Larry Wigginton.
"After pausing for a good 20-30 seconds, Mr. Bingham revealed that he thought global warming could be blamed for his tragic loss of residence," Chief Wigginton explained. "Mr. Bingham then went on, at great lengths, explaining the nefarious connection between carbon monoxide emissions and the increase in global tempatures. At times he would even produce charts depicting well-established, historical trends. He had science behind him, what could we do?"
"It had been a really mild winter, but this really surprised me," Mr Bingham said during an interview following the fire.
However, further inspection by the local insurance agency revealed certain flaws in Mr. Bingham's seemingly watertight argument. The insurace company reported that a small microwave was found with over 3 pounds of charred hamburger meat. The time had been set for 4 days.

I'm sick of the forms, I'm sick of being misread


With the end of the business calendar year approaching, many employees often come to the realization that they have literally days of sick time which, if not used, will have to be forfeited. While this realization may plunge many earnest men into late-night dips into freezing cold ocean water or early morning gallivants to hospital rooms, in heartfelt attempts to contract colds or other serious illnesses, there is a much easier solution. When your boss comes knocking, suspicious of your recent three-day 'illness' just tell her that "You've been to a proctologist, and while you don't want to go into great detail, there is something terribly awry with your sphincter." This will immediately cause all conversation to abruptly end, and if you are strong enough to withstand these moments of awkward silence, you're in the clear.